Smile Like You Mean It

so basically here’s the situation:

for the past while i’ve been waking up with incredibly stiff joints; feet, ankles, knees, hips, elbows, wrists, fingers, shoulder, neck. I’ve been to the doctor and the only thing he’s done is refer me to a specialist. I don’t have an appointment there til the end of the month so I have quite some time before this suck fest can possibly get better. 

It’s the worst whenever I don’t move for awhile and so it’s always worst in the morning. Last night it was really hard to get to sleep cause every position I tried was painful in some way. And by painful I mean really painful, like I started crying it was so painful. So since it was bad to begin the night, by the time I woke up in the morning it was SO SO bad. When I went downstairs in not the greatest of moods I went to hug my mom and because I was in not a happy state I started crying. Crying about the pain, crying about the fact that I have to wait like half my summer break before I even see a doctor, crying about how it makes me feel so weak and vulnerable, and crying about how it limits what I can and want to do. 

And then I looked over at my mom and she had tears in her eyes and I felt so bad cause I know she wants to help me but doesn’t know how…and I hate when my problems affect other people, which is why I like never tell anyone anything, and I especially hate it when it’s my mom cause out of anyone she helps me through shit the most. fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk